On My Way

We all want somebody to love
Somebody to hold
Somebody to lie beside
Because the nights are cold
But will the degradation
To our baser instincts
Consume our souls
Confuse the common urge
For something we’ve never observed
Don’t let me go
Till I take my final breath
Then I swear I’ll set you free
Don’t leave me here without you
Though you can stay without me
I don’t want just
Another heartbeat beside me.
Familiar hope only your scent gives me
Just give me this life
Then I swear I’ll be on my way.
We all want somebody to love
Somebody to hold
Somebody to lie beside
Because our lives can be cold.
-AJ Sandhu 2015

Rumination 15

     No one tells you how bright the darkest corners of your mind can be. How sweetly that voice whispers lies and doubts into your ear.
     If they were dark, you would never venture into them again. They’re enticing, bright and warm, because they’re drawing all of the light and warmth out of you.
     The colder and darker you feel, the more light and warmth you try to generate, until you just can’t anymore.
     You need more for the same high.
     The universe may be infinite; you are not.
     But you are strong, you are loved, and you are not alone. So many of us are right there with you, making more light as it is taken. Maybe one day we’ll make more than the imbalance can pull.

Stay good and keep transmitting.

-AJ Sandhu 2015

Human Plight

I don’t know where happiness lies
In this human plight
I just know there must be
Something better in this life

Have I earned the right to know
Earned the right to say
Or is this just another dream
Is this just another play

I’m sitting on the edge of today
But I haven’t earned the right to stay
I’m not part of this
I never was

I’m just here to show
At least someone cared
That someone was holding on
To all of the moments shared

Do I take a humble leave
Or do I keep holding on
Hoping that I break through
To what potential we had when this began

My patience is waning
Though this is nothing new
How long can I keep waiting
Before I give up on you?

I will never know where happiness
Lies in this human life
I just know there must be
Something better for which we flight.

AJ Sandhu 2015

Rumination 14

Keep saying things over and over until they come true, or you delude yourself into believing them. Keep telling yourself that running in place is fine. That as long as you’re working and “moving” your fatigue and lethargy can’t catch up to you. As long as you don’t think about what what’s wrong it can’t hurt you.
Why think about the things you can’t change anyway?
After all, the things you can’t change are many.
Maybe starting over for me was easier because everything else was shrouded in the obscurity of nothingness. Or…is that another lie I tell myself to keep going?
It’s not easy to leave behind written words and created words. To never speak of them again. To remind myself they never were.
Starting over is hard. Starting over can break you. Make you wake in the morning with cold sweats over deadlines and ultimatums that never mattered. Where are those consequences now that it’s done? Is nothingness my just reward?
Jumping off the pedestal is harder. All of the praise and genuflection is impossible relinquish. What if it’s never found again? What if this is the end? What if I become another insignificant cog in the machine of the world.
You we’re always insignificant. A cog in the machine does its work and the wheels turn.
Only when the cog is gone and the machine breaks down does it learn its value. Does this insignificant cog’s value become apparent.
There is nothing wrong with insignificance.
Maybe if I say it enough…I’ll believe it.
Stay good and keep transmitting.
-A. Sandhu 2015

NaNoWriMo Project Poem: "Ballad of the Second Queen"

Won’t you wait a moment?
Or will I have to face
The dawn alone?

I’m holding on to thorns
Of what could be
While you clutch at velvet petals
Of a past fading to dust.

You’re singing in melodies
-With someone else.
While I perform verses
-Lost behind your choruses

So blinded by your pain
Your hurt
And your guilt
You won’t let anyone else in.

I keep offering a false paradise
Paradise I cannot give
There is a lonely song being sung
By someone I barely know

Yet every night
I listen for it here.
What is this hope since I heard it?
Will there be any when it’s gone?

Sing a song of fleeting romances
Hoping you’ll know you’re not alone.
Sometimes love is only for the moment
Blessed are those whose moments collide.

I’ll sing louder still
Hoping our moments catch each other on the fall
Or you’ll be here alone
Singing the lonely song I’ve wrought upon the world.

I’ll keep listening
For a paradise mine to take
A lonely song being sung
By someone I want to know.

Knowing that a moment
Is better than nothing at all.

-AJ Sandhu 2015

Another Better Me

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” -Soren Kierkegaard

     All of the work I do today is for her; the better me waiting at the end of this labor. A far off waif on the horizon that can be an ideal I see myself as to justify my procrastination, my lethargy. “What will be, will be,” Because it is so much more comfortable to think “destiny” has a route set for me. As if what I do or don’t do today doesn’t really affect that far off better version of me.
     Sometimes, like in these moments of rumination, I am hyper aware my ideal cannot be without the work I can’t seem to put in. Other, clearer times I’m able to grasp that she will be me as I am now, because I have stagnated.
     No longer bound by fear, but by inaction.
     I’m going through the motions of a changing life, but not actually doing much to change it. I’m screaming loudly to avoid toiling in silence. And I am writing admissions because I need to get these words somewhere that I am accountable for them.
     Even as I stand here and scream, “All I want cannot be!” there is that part of me that sees her; the other better me. The one waiting on the horizon to read carefully the harried words of the younger stranger she once was; trying to glean how she came to be where she is.
     I need to do more and I need to do it now.
     I need to do it alone.
     Scream into the void until it starts to scream back.

Stay good and keep transmitting.

-AJ Sandhu

Tragedy of the Commons

You stand and suffer in silence
You hold and suffer alone
Don’t let anyone in
Don’t let anyone see
Or they’ll find out you’re not
As strong as you seem.
And wouldn’t that be
The greatest tragedy of them all?
To know you’re just
As fallible as you feel.
Now stand and suffer dear
The cold dark humanity
Of a world bound by fear.
Our truest display
Most honest reality
Reverence for the ancestors
That carved their way
Into our genetic reams.
Refusing to see
All we despair
All we fear
Is the same everywhere.
Because we must be alone in the play
No one else would believe
Every tale’s been told before
Just players on a stage
Waiting for eternal leave.
Can’t you see
We’re the same?
You and I?
Regaled by
The beautiful lie
Only ourselves to blame.
-AJ Sandhu 2015

Lens of Doubt

“There is no cure for suspicion.”

     With anyone else I would bury the hurt and the guilt, but it’s you. It’s you and I don’t know what I did to cast a lens over every move I make. No matter how innocuous.
     I am fully aware of how bared and open this is, and I know this too will pass as all things do. But at what cost? How many times can I pretend not to notice the little voice that questions all which was once accepted with glee? There is no cure for doubt when the other party refuses to take the antidote.
     My penchant for staining the past rose-red is only hindering my forward momentum. Because of your lens, I see every grievance inflicted upon me; every broken promise. In fact, I’m not sure anymore that there were ever any kept promises now.
     A lens of doubt influences both the ones that cast it, and those on whom it is cast. If you fear me, eventually, I’ll start to fear you through no fault of my own.
     Lenses cast in lonely thought, without an outside voice to question their sanity, lenses cast by too many voices speaking too many doubts, cast by madness, cast by hatred, carve in all directions.
     What force to drive love into hatred.
     Faith, absolute faith, into doubt.
     What is the cost? How do I turn doubt back into faith?
     As I write these words I know I am saying too many of the things I keep inside; writing too many of the words I never say. But I will yell into the void as long as I am able, because one day, perhaps sooner rather than later, I will lose the chance.
     Because I can’t scream at you, lest you doubt further still. But I cannot live to do only as you say. Life is far too long and far too short to waste making you proud; I see that you never have been and you never will be. It’s like chasing the horizon on this round planet, it never comes.
     Now that they’re gone, I miss them, my rose colored lenses. But this lens of doubt, it might just save my life.

Stay good and keep transmitting

-Aman Sandhu

Divide

Here where silences grow
Of their own accord.
I’ll find my way back again
So let me wander
Where words scream aloud
Always knowing my silences
Are safe, until I need them most
Life changing with a moment
Words passing as simple contact
Fickle the mind
Quick to disregard.
I’ll carry you across, she says
Carry you through
Hold on as long as you need
So long as words can pass unseen
Chase me
Follow me
Find me
I am your divide.
Dare hold for a moment more
Dare linger for a second
Conscious contact
Break our social contract
I’ll run so long as you’ll chase me
Hide, only so you can find me
Waiting here to carry you across
Carry you through
Back to silences you’d left behind.
-AJ Sandhu 2015

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