Rumination 14

Keep saying things over and over until they come true, or you delude yourself into believing them. Keep telling yourself that running in place is fine. That as long as you’re working and “moving” your fatigue and lethargy can’t catch up to you. As long as you don’t think about what what’s wrong it can’t hurt you.

Why think about the things you can’t change anyway?

After all, the things you can’t change are many.

Maybe starting over for me was easier because everything else was shrouded in the obscurity of nothingness. Or…is that another lie I tell myself to keep going?

It’s not easy to leave behind written words and created words. To never speak of them again. To remind myself they never were.

Starting over is hard. Starting over can break you. Make you wake in the morning with cold sweats over deadlines and ultimatums that never mattered. Where are those consequences now that it’s done? Is nothingness my just reward?

Jumping off the pedestal is harder. All of the praise and genuflection is impossible relinquish. What if it’s never found again? What if this is the end? What if I become another insignificant cog in the machine of the world.

You we’re always insignificant. A cog in the machine does its work and the wheels turn.

Only when the cog is gone and the machine breaks down does it learn its value. Does this insignificant cog’s value become apparent.

There is nothing wrong with insignificance.

Maybe if I say it enough…I’ll believe it.

Stay good and keep transmitting.

-A. Sandhu 2015