Rumination 17

I’m always scared someone is playing the long con with me. It’s the strangest sort of paranoia that keeps me guarded. To soften the hurt to heart on my sleeve, I keep something up it.

I always debate putting up more private thoughts. Maybe because my face is attached like never before. Maybe it’s more of that avoidance. The fear if I give too much I won’t have any left for myself?

But that’s not the truth.

The truth is that I don’t think I deserve this. That I deserve any of what I have. If I get anything it has to come with a catch. It always does.

Doesn’t matter how hard I work, there is always a catch.

And it’s such a stupid way to live, yet here I am. I know better.

I don’t know if that’s stupid or brave to admit to an audience. But I refuse to isolate myself to the point of inaction.

This isn’t a plea for advice or a call for friendship. I have more love than I’ve ever have before. I can feel that. I’m just…waiting for the other shoe to drop.

That I’m going to be exposed as the fraud I am. Unworthy of love, not just because I have nothing to offer, but because I’m really not that good of a friend. I’m not extraordinary, I’m not even plain, I’m background. I get in the way.

And maybe getting these thoughts out of my head and into these pixels will help me deal with the dissociation I feel.

Stay good and keep transmitting.

-Aman Sandhu 2016

February 29, 2016 0

Perfidy

I hide behind veiled eyes

So no one can see the madness inside.

Every word out of my mouth is a lie.

You were so kind and so good

I wanted to be everything you thought of me

But I will break your heart

And when the veil falls

You’ll only find emptiness

As you pull me apart

I want to be so badly

Everything you think of me.

I’m standing on this pedestal,

My friend, it’s hollow inside

An empty box filled with lies.

Every word out of my mouth is a lie

You were so kind and so good

I only wanted to be everything you thought of me

But I’m a façade built of fairy-tales.

Oh I will break your heart

And when the veil falls

You’ll only find emptiness

As you pull me apart

Don’t look at me

You’ll see what I am

Unworthy of the faith you’ve given me

A leech in disguise

Maybe someday you won’t regret

Letting me have so much of you

Maybe one day your scars will fade

And I will become what I’ve always been,

Only an obstacle in your way

Every word out of my mouth is a lie

You were so kind and so good

I only wanted to be everything you thought of me

But I’m a façade built of fairy-tales.

Oh I will break your heart

And when the veil falls

You’ll only find emptiness

As you pull me apart

Maybe someday you won’t regret

Letting me have so much of you

Maybe one day your scars will fade

And I will become what I’ve always been

Only an obstacle in your way.

-AJ Sandhu 2016

February 27, 2016 0

Rumination 16

My friends cannot read my mind. They don’t know everything I know.

I’ve fallen into the trap of thinking they’ve absorbed my knowledge or emotion via some strange external osmosis, but they haven’t. If I’m having a bad day and put on a brave face, they will never know I need to be comforted. They won’t know not to believe me when I lie and say everything is alright.

Sometimes I think they wouldn’t want to be bothered. Why talk to them about something they can’t fix, or wouldn’t understand? But who will I celebrate with when I come out victorious on the other side? How will I convey the devastation of my defeat as I sit there and lick my wounds?

We make friends to share the load. To carry our collective burdens so they don’t break our backs. Your friends will not be weighed down by your problems. They will not leave because you are struggling. If they cannot help they will wait patiently for you to get through; ready with whatever support you need in the aftermath.

And if they do abandon you, were they really your friends at all?

Stay good and keep transmitting.

-AJ Sandhu 2016

February 22, 2016 0

Dispossessed

We’re not pieces on a chessboard

Built to be played however we choose

Life is not finite in what it could be.

I’m holding the hope

That the sins on my soul

Are not greater than

The forgiveness I’m asking for

There are no chosen kings

And queens of our world

Only fearful people hoping

Their confidence will disguise their lies

We’re all hiding from ourselves

Hoping our deepest devotions

Are never put to the test.

Victims of our baser urges

It’s what we feared

No hearts left to converge.

You’ve gone too far for me to find you

And after all, you never wanted me to.

-AJ Sandhu 2016

February 13, 2016 0

Emptiness

The worst thing that could happen was losing my story. I could lose everything else, but losing the story in my heart was unbearable. The thought that Derivation would be there no matter what happened, no matter how deep the rabbit-hole went, kept me going for so long.
I emptied myself into the singular pursuit.
My apathy, empathy, love, hatred, passion, motivation.
Everything belonged to my one purpose; telling the tale that burned in my chest.
Now I fear I’ve given too much.
I’m empty.
I lost Derivation while I was surrendering the rest.
The one thing I was determined to keep is gone.
Without it, I’m not even a person.
So what now? What do I do now that the worst has happened?
How long do I stay away? How long will it take to fall in love again? Until my hands itch with words burning to see life on paper?
I don’t know.
I’m starting over. From the beginning. Tell me again, Alexander.
Stay good and keep transmitting

-Aman Sandhu 2016

February 8, 2016 0

Moving On

Moments that took minutes

Are taking hours away

I’m left here to mourn

All that time wasted on you.

Every hard earned breath I gave

Trying to keep you;

Is screaming in my lungs now

As I start sinking under

All we’re looking for is a chance

To be prepared

If we must be the fools

Behind the reigns.

So tell me mechanist

Is there a remedy

For all the sorrow

That I feel?

Singing a sullen lullaby

Before the curtain falls

On our life’s play

Too long and too short

To waste trying to hold

Dreams we didn’t share

Ambition led us astray

This is a siren’s call

To all of the songs

I’ve sung before.

Different tempo, same refrain

You’ve moved on

And it seems I’m left

Standing here waiting for you

To look back for me.

-AJ Sandhu 2016

February 6, 2016 0

Frozen Mausoleums

We won’t find you

Oh we won’t find you

Not in these tattered pieces

Of dreams left behind.

Is there a remedy for

All of the things everyone knows

If not

Is there place that holds

All of the knowledge

We should have by now?

You built this town

You built this city

Repeat it over and over

As if you expect some pity.

Is this what it’s meant to be

Only disappointed faces looking our way?

Constant reminders that you think

We only want your sympathy

We can’t find it

Oh we can’t find it

Not in these tattered pieces

Of dreams left behind

Oh you built this town

You built this city

Heaven forbid it rises

Above your glory

And it all fades to black

Was the ending worth for naught.

Because you built this town

You built this city

On the ashes of those who

Thought you only wanted their sympathy

We’ll tear this town

We’ll burn your city

Frozen mausoleums to leaders

Who don’t deserve our pity.

-AJ Sandhu 2016

January 23, 2016 0

Lullaby from Colossus

Colossus is a one shot novel I’ve been working on for a few years now; there is a lullaby in the book I’d never really explored. A few weeks ago I started to write it:

Sleep little one
I’ll carry you away
Rest for a while
When you wake
The darkness will be gone.

Sleep for a while
I’ll carry you home
I’ll carry you
To where you belong
Where you can be free
If only for a moment

Out of this farce
Far from this grief
I’ll carry you with me
To can where you can be safe
As long as you need to be

So sleep little one
While I carry you away
Rest for a moment
When you wake
The darkness will be far behind.

-AJ Sandhu 2016

January 9, 2016 1

On My Way

We all want somebody to love

Somebody to hold

Somebody to lie beside

Because the nights are cold

But will the degradation

To our baser instincts

Consume our souls

Confuse the common urge

For something we’ve never observed

Don’t let me go

Till I take my final breath

Then I swear I’ll set you free

Don’t leave me here without you

Though you can stay without me

I don’t want just

Another heartbeat beside me.

Familiar hope only your scent gives me

Just give me this life

Then I swear I’ll be on my way.

We all want somebody to love

Somebody to hold

Somebody to lie beside

Because our lives can be cold.

-AJ Sandhu 2015

December 19, 2015 0

Rumination 15

No one tells you how bright the darkest corners of your mind can be. How sweetly that voice whispers lies and doubts into your ear.
If they were dark, you would never venture into them again. They’re enticing, bright and warm, because they’re drawing all of the light and warmth out of you.
The colder and darker you feel, the more light and warmth you try to generate, until you just can’t anymore.
You need more for the same high.
The universe may be infinite; you are not.
But you are strong, you are loved, and you are not alone. So many of us are right there with you, making more light as it is taken. Maybe one day we’ll make more than the imbalance can pull.

Stay good and keep transmitting.

-AJ Sandhu 2015

December 13, 2015 0